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	HEALTH & FITNESS		JOKES

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LEADERSHIP QUOTE OF THE DAY (22 May 2012): People are more easily led than driven. - David Harold Fink

JOKES

Joke: No Excuses

1.     My kids are locked outside.
2.     My kids are locked inside.
3.     My kids are stuck in the door.
4.     I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5.     I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies--she's much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
6.     The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
7.     The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8.     The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9.     My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony.
10.   My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11.   I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12.   I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake).
13.   My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14.   My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15.   My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16.   My truss snapped.
17.   My support hose popped.
18.   I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19.   I'm arranging financing for a house.
20.   I'm arranging financing for a car.
21.   I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22.   The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
23.   The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24.   The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective.)
25.   I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26.   I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27.   It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28.   My back aches.
29.   My stomach aches.
30.   My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover," especially if offered in the early afternoon.)

JOKE: Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party...

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JOKE: Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer..."

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