5 - The Birth
If you are at all of a squeamish disposition, stay topside. It may seem a romantic thought to be able to see your child’s head appearing into the world for the first time, but if you can’t handle the messy business of labour, I would advise against it. In worst-case scenarios, flashbacks have been known later on, especially during oral sex. Hey, I’m only telling you for your own good.
6 - Names
Choosing a name for your child is fun. If you haven’t already decided by the time it is born, there is a simple exercise you can do to aid the process. Draw up a list of potentials and mark each name out of ten for different criteria. For example:
How embarrassed would you be to shout it out when your child misbehaves in public?
Does it remind you of someone you disliked at school?
And how does it sound with his/her surname? I personally have met a Richard Staines, a Richard Pullin, and unbelievably, a Fanny Sparks. What were their parents thinking?
7 - Early Days
So you’re a father. Congratulations. Now all you have to do is bring up your child. Don’t worry, sleep is for wimps, as Gordon Gecko never quite got around to saying before he went to prison. In the early days, expect irrationality from your partner, then if it doesn’t happen, you can be pleasantly surprised. Also, it is best to expect the unexpected in your relationship. You will be bottom of the pecking order. Get used to it. The more children you have, the lower you will sink. I’m sorry but that’s a fact.
8 - Nappies
Not as bad as you might think. Although, as a male, changing the soiled nappy of anyone else’s child may fill you with dread, changing your own kid’s soon becomes run of the mill. With "run" often being the operative word.
9 - Wipes
Discover the marvel of wet wipes. Not only for cleaning babies’ private parts but also for removing near enough any stain from any surface such as sofas, carpets or Italian designer shoes. They also come in handy for wiping baby sick from your shoulder, a common hazard for the parents of any infant.
10 - Crying
That’s the baby, not you. Jumpiness is a bad thing, especially in young mothers. Babies cry. It’s what they do, so get over it. You’ll soon be able to tell the difference between the “I’m tired”, the “I’m hungry” or the “I’m sloshing around in my own faeces, here” cries, no bother. And believe me, the “I’ve just poked myself in the eye” one is easily recognisable too, when it occurs.
11 - Toilets
As a father, toilets are your friend – practically the only place in the house where you are guaranteed some peace. When I was young, I could never understand why my dad spent so long in the dunny. I always presumed he had severe gastric problems, and judging by the aftermath, I may have been half-right too. I mentioned this to my mate, Matt recently and he remarked that his father also used to spend hours in the toilet. Except Matt always presumed that his dad was masturbating in there, which also makes sense – for so many reasons – if like him, you already had three children.
12 - More Kids
So far, I have discovered that Child No.2 is a breeze by comparison to the first. The ground rules have already been established. You drop down the pecking order again of course, but that’s okay. As for the effect of Child No.3, I’ll tell you in about four months. You see? Fatherhood can’t be all bad if I’m doing it again. Jump in. And remember your dad this Father’s Day. You can be sure he remembers you.
“The maelstrom of fatherhood is a chance to show grace under real pressure…That’s something that’s worth a fellow’s time.” – Hugh O’Neill
“Fatherhood is the single most creative, fulfilling, frustrating, engrossing, enriching, depleting endeavour of a man’s adult life.” – Kyle D. Pruett
“The idea of bringing someone into the world fills me with horror. I would curse myself if I were a father. A son of mine! Oh no, no, no! May my entire flesh perish and may I transmit to no-one the aggravations and the disgrace of existence.” – Gustave Flaubert
“Being a father is quite a bother. But I like it, rather.” – Ogden Nash
BOB MOORE
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